Pam’s Blog

I love Seattle. I loved it before we make our trek back to Maryland for Thanksgiving. I must say though last night it was so nice to come home. As hard as I was afraid it would be to leave Maryland again I was actually excited about the prospect of getting home.

The trip – despite ER visits, ear infections and Bronchitis – was wonderful. We got to see and visit so many people and we were able to spend time with people we loved and missed a great deal.

I couldn’t pin down the “best day” of the trip the whole thing was good. We enjoyed visiting everyone and Mary and Kelley we cannot thank you enough for sharing your home with us for the past two weeks. Your generosity and kindness is such a wonderful blessing to those around you. Thanks.

Now the hard part.

Un packing. I’m scared….

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Oh this so sucks.

I’m sick.

I’ve been fighting it for days now – since Thursday – I felt better Yesterday and thought I was clear. Today I have been going steadily downhill all day.

Tonight it hurts to talk. All I want is to be curled up in a warm bed and snuggly asleep.

I do not want to be sick for our trip. I really really don’t. This just so stinks.

Oh well, hopefully it will pass quickly. I will keep taking my Vitamin C and cold medicine.

Hopefully the flight to MD won’t be too bad.

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I will be bustling my children out of the house to get them on an airplane. We will be leaving about this time to head to the airport for our flight to Maryland.

HORAY!!

I can’t believe it is almost here. I am very excited. I can’t wait to see everyone, and while I can now find my way to and from most places I am still looking forward to being on roads I can drive without ever knowing their names and end up exactly where I want to be.

Not that West Seattle isn’t getting to be like that. When people tell me where something is I can look at them with more then a blank stare now. Still, I knew Columbia so well and I still kind of miss the getting in the car and just going. I still have to print direction to a myriad of things.

I will miss a lot of stuff too. I will miss hanging out with Vicki and Fiona. I will miss volunteering at West Side baby. And seeing people at Alki Elementary. As I am getting to know more and more people here It feels more and more like home.

I also know that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I know by the time my two weeks are over in MD I will be ready to come home to my house, in my state, in my city of Seattle. That excites me. I am thrilled that this place God has brought us to has become home.

God is so good.

I will try yo Blog while we are on our trip but we will be busy – at this point of our two weeks we only have three free days left. BUSY. So no promises.

Happy Thanksgiving all.

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How did something I was so excited about become such a stressful event?

Specifically our trip to Maryland.

I was so thrilled to be going to visit all our friends and family. I was so thrilled we would get to stay for two whole weeks and visit with everyone we know and love.

Last night I had trouble falling asleep I was so stressed about the trip.

One of the biggest stresses. Jason keeps reminding me over and over and over – this is the last trip we are going to be able to take to Maryland for in his words years.

YEARS – oh, oh, If I don’t see everyone, if I can’t connect with everyone it will be years before I have another opportunity. I’m going to cry just thinking about it. I mean, I understand what Jason is saying. We really don’t have the money to fly back and forth every year – very true. And we need to live here on this coast, not spend our lives trying to live in two places.

So years.

I have to see everyone, all of you. Because it might be years till I see you again. I really am going to cry.

Don’t misunderstand me. I love living here in Seattle. I have no desire to move back to Maryland. But I miss you all so much. I thought I guess I imagined that I would be able to make a trip back once a year to visit and catchup. Jason’s right, but … that is not how I thought it would be.

So no pressure Pam, just develop the perfect schedule that allows you to spend the maximum amount of time with everyone you love and not to miss a single person. I swear to all of you, I am doing the best I can. I want to see you all, I love you all.

I’m going to miss someone, and then it will be years before I have the opportunity to see you again. To whoever I miss, I am so so sorry. I do love you and I do miss you. I want to see you. I’m just not perfect. I’m sorry.

Maybe I’ll catch you in a few years, or maybe you can come visit me. I would love to have people come visit us. We can make room for you and we are excited to have visitors. Just let us know when you want to come.

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Trust me when I say difficult I mean heart wrenching. Yet good.

The decision, to be content with what I have and not to constantly be looking to the future for more.

Yeah ok, I hear ya, how is that difficult or heart wrenching?

Well, when it has to do with motherhood it can be. Today Jason and I decided not to actively pursue having more children. This means we will not be pursuing adoption.

What it doesn’t mean, well, it does not mean we are not open to possibilities. If God brings another child into our lives we will welcome them into our family with open arms and open hearts. However we are not going to pursue that end.

I know this surprises a lot of people who knew I really wanted to pursue adoption and to whom I have told repeatedly we plan to pursue adoption. However God and I have talked about this a great deal and I feel firmly that this is the right decision for our family.

The fact is I have the three most wonderful kids in the entire world. I mean seriously. They really couldn’t get any better then they are. How can I mess with perfection?

Also in truth we cannot afford another child. I know there are people out there that will argue this. Like Eugene says many a Sunday – I’m going to get e-mails. The fact is I want to be able to be responsible for my children and provide for them, food clothing and heat are always good things. Lets face it feeding three growing kids is pricey. Clothing them too.

Most importantly though, God and I have talked about this a lot. I really don’t get a clear “you must/must not” do this answer in my prayer life regarding this issue.

What I do get is the message that God wants me to be the best mother possible to the children I have. I don’t see that as a no, but I do see it as a principal I need to live by.

See part of the reason I want to adopt is because I love being mom. I love my kids. Yeah sometimes they drive me nuts and sometimes I think I must be insane…well just because. Through it all though, I love being a mom and I love my kids.

I already am mom though, and I need to be content being mom to my three wonderful children. They are each special and unique. Each one is a precious gift. Instead of spending hours drooling over adoption web site and thinking about a new baby I should be living life with my kids. Being the best possible mother to my kids, the ones I have now.

In a way this relates to the money thing too. If I cannot responsibly afford them then it would be a lack of wisdom to have more and it would not make me a good example to the children I have.

So no more active pursuit of adoption. God may still give us another child, but I am going to let that be His call. Not mine. After all isn’t that how is should be?

It’s a good decision, even if it was hard to make. Now I am going to stop babbling about it and go be a good mom to the kids I have. Today we’re all dragons and I am the momma dragon. So I have gotten to ROAR a lot today.

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